


throw flowers at my funeral, roses have always been my favorites

by NightShadow1607



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Allison Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Apocalypse (Umbrella Academy), Bittersweet, Character Death, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Dissociation, Don't worry, Gen, Ghosts, Hurt Allison Hargreeves, Hurt Diego Hargreeves, Hurt Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Luther and Five doesn't have a lot of importance, Other, Sad Allison Hargreeves, Sad Diego Hargreeves, Sad Klaus Hargreeves, Sad Vanya Hargreeves, Vanya Hargreeves Dies, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, ally van klaus ben and diego relationship would have been so cute, but i don't hate him now, but they will show up eventually, i don't hate five and luther, oh I forgot, okay maybe i don't like s1 luther, unfortunately this is s1 luther, why these three aren't tags?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27084946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightShadow1607/pseuds/NightShadow1607
Summary: Allison, Klaus and Diego (and Ben) thoughts about Vanya's death.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Allison Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 4
Kudos: 89





	throw flowers at my funeral, roses have always been my favorites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger has always filled half of Diego's memories.
> 
> (But maybe it doesn't have to be that way).

To be as honest as possible...

Diego felt nothing when he heard that news.

huh... is this considered sick in any way?

A part of him thinks so, but he tries not to care, pushing that part of him into the dark bottom of his mind, where his greatest weaknesses are.

His fears...

His insecurities...

His affection...

All that's ever left out there is the anger, the hatred, and the distorted sense of duty that his father has implanted in his mind.

But now, it was nothing. Just a comforting presence of numbness. Eudora was concerned, but he didn't make a point of answering her questions. How he was, if he was eating right, if he was taking care on his stupid vigilante job.

If he would go to her funeral.

At his sister's funeral, Vanya.

Being honest again, he didn't know if he would.

Allison and Klaus would be there, maybe Luther and, hell, even their father would be, Pogo and their mother.

The last time they were all together was at Ben's funeral.

Actually, the last time they were together was the day before Five left, running away from home as fast as his space jumps.

Vanya was the only one who believed he would return.

Who made his favorite sandwiches.

Who lights up to help him get home.

Who was pushed aside by all of them.

Who wrote that book.

Fuck...

The same part that was pushed, still whispers in his memories, that this is the most stupid reason for not attending her funeral.

“ _She died_ ” that part says “ _is the least you can do_ ”

He knows that’s not true, he could have done more. He knows this is stupid.

But it still hurts, it still hurts like hell, it still hurts how she wrote it all coldly, with bitterness, with... anger.

Perhaps she was angrier than he was.

{...}

Like a tantruming child, he screams to himself.

She put herself in it.

She didn’t suffer what they suffered.

She didn’t live what they did.

She doesn't deserve a funeral.

But, he thinks that himself can’t be so cruel... right?

No... he can do it.

Their father made them that way.

Their father raised them to be cruel.

To fight like machines.

To not feel.

Why is it so different this time?

He doesn't know and he doesn't want to dive into it.

So this is what he does: he wakes up, writes something to Eudora, if she goes to check on him in the boiler room where he lives, he removes all the knives that are in his uniform (lie, he leaves only two, it is a habit, bad, but it’s still a habit), he leaves only the black turtleneck sweater, black pants and boots.

“ _Well... at least I'm wearing black_ ” he thinks, and that repressed part of him, dressed in white, just shakes their head.

He doesn't have the money for a suit anyway.

He leaves the gym, before opening time, and walks to the Academy, in no hurry, he prefers not to advance what is about to happen.

It is like a comfortable numbness, but it is not his.

He feels confused, out of the ordinary for the first time.

“ _It doesn't make sense_ ” he says “ _I've lost two brothers before_ ”

(Only one, but unlike Vanya, he never cultivated hope)

So why is this so different?

They weren't even close.

God... they even hated each other.

(Lie, he never totally hated her, he was angry, but not to the point of wanting her to die)

(She also didn't hate him, but he doesn't know it)

Eudora calls him on the way, it went something like this:

_"Are you alright?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you lying?"_

_"No."_

_"I'm busy here, but if you’re not going to do your “job” today, I can stop by."_

" _You don't have to, Eudora._ "

(She doesn't correct him to call her Detective Patch, he has lost his right, but she realizes it's not a good time)

" _But I want to. I need to go, but call me if you need to._ "

" _Okay_ "

(He wouldn't call even if he was bleeding on the floor of a dark alley)

It's cloudy, it's cold, his fingertips are cold, but something is bubbling up inside it.

Anxiety? Of what? To find his brothers?

Fear? Of what? His father?

Rage? Of what? To go to the funeral of the sister who wrote a book about them?

He rests his hand on the doorknob, but Pogo opened the door a few minutes ago and he is being called.

“ _Master Diego?_ ”

“ _Number Two?_ ”

“ _Diego?_ ”

“ _Dee?_ ”

There are so many names that he got lost.

He was never like that, this is making him panic, but as always...

He swallows the sensation and pushes it into his head

“ _Diego!_ ”

He hears his mother calling him.

His mother who has always been sweet.

His mother who always looked after him and his siblings.

His mother who took care of his stutter.

His mother who took care of the broken bones of Number One

His mother who gave beautiful clothes to Number Three.

His mother who hummed lullabies to Number Four

His mother who always tidied up Number Five's room, even after he left.

His mother who wiped the blood off the face of Number Six

His mother who heard the violin of Number Seven.

His mother, who stayed here alone, for nine years.

He's been a terrible son, he realizes and his part in white agrees.

{...}

As her coffin descends, he doesn't think about anything.

Empty mind and hardened heart.

He doesn't cry, but Allison does.

It's strange, they were never close.

He could not be sure, but unfortunately he is absolutely sure that they were not close.

Allison was never one to reconnect brotherhood ties.

He can't blame her, Diego didn't do that either.

(He didn't know if it counted as a reconnection to look after Klaus)

So it's just funny, in an unfunny way, that Allison is crying at this funeral.

Nobody is crying.

It is not comforting.

It's... heavy and, maybe, scary.

It's weird.

He remembers what he said to her at Ben's funeral.

He was never remorseful of that sentence.

And he wasn’t remorseful now.

But, somehow, the way this funeral is being reminds him of what he said.

“ _I need to stop_ ” he thinks “ _all this has happened, there is no reason to keep reminding it_ ”

“ _If you went back in time, you would do everything the same_ ” the voice in white says “ _this is the reason why you are remembering_ ”

He does not disagree or agree. He had never thought about that.

If it were to compare funerals, Vanya's would be the most depressing.

Not that funerals were fun.

But hers had no flowers, no horrible statue with an engraved Shakesperian phrase, nor did it have the Umbrella Academy emblem on the coffin.

There was no short sentence from his father about life and death, and about the day off from training, there was no Pogo saying anything comforting, his mother was smiling as usual, there were not seven brothers around the coffin.

Allison was crying, Luther was quiet, but he didn't seem to care, just like his father.

And Klaus...

Klaus was a strange thing.

He was looking at the coffin with such intensity that it could catch fire, but at the same time, it was a glassy look, lost and... dead, again.

The last time they saw each other, Klaus had just woken up in the hospital after an overdose and ready to be put into rehab and to repeat the same process.

Until Diego turned his back and Klaus was already gone.

His eyes were dead.

He remembers clearly.

His part in white asks if maybe Klaus was seeing her ghost.

He doesn't know when he was submerged, but when he goes to the surface, he is in the living room, next to a terribly quiet and somber Klaus, looking into an empty space.

Allison is screaming and so is Dad.

Luther and Pogo are among them, undecided.

Mother is sitting at her recharger station.

Allison is screaming something like this:

“ _Really, really?! Do you want us to go over there and sell her things?_ ”

And their father is answering:

“ _Number three! I do not tolerate this type of behavior!_ ”

“ _Fuck this behavior! She was your daughter! And you want us to sell everything or throw it in the trash?!_ ”

Oh...

So this is about it.

Huh...

A part of him wonders if his father would ask his brothers to sell his things.

Or if Eudora would take it to her house, as a reminder of a part that was once in her life.

It is painful to think about, so he pushes it into the dark.

Luther is saying that her things are no longer important.

Allison looks like she's going to slap him, Klaus hisses at him and he just keeps quiet, still spinning a knife between his fingers, but he doesn't know when he started doing it.

Father starts giving a talk about behavior and that holding on to that kind of sentimentality is a waste of time.

Diego might even be inclined to agree with his father.

But he never agreed with his father, never.

Fuck it.

He was on Allison's side now.

“ _Her things are in her apartment, Pogo will write the address, you have 120 hours before everything is thrown away and the residence is being renovated to find a new tenant_ ” his father says.

Oh...

He looks like he got a shock.

Allison has tears in her eyes and it looks like she lost half of her life.

Klaus looks like he's going to pass out.

Luther is surprised, Diego thought he already knew.

Apparently even Number One was not within the schemes.

Now, they don't even have a choice anymore.

{...}

That's how they got:

Allison was wearing a black dress, sunglasses and a scarf, with an umbrella perched on her arm.

Klaus was wearing a skirt, probably stolen from Allison's old room, he was from All-Star and had a thin coat around his body. He didn't know if he was shivering from the cold or something else.

Luther was wearing a heavy coat and he was still one of the tallest.

The four were in front of the apartment door, in a tiny corridor for four ex-child superheroes, but enough for an ordinary girl the size of a thirteen-year-old.

He tries not to think too hard about why Vanya never grew up enough.

Allison has the key, but Luther comes in with a 'I'm Number One, so I'm going to go ahead' pose, Diego doesn't even want to fight about it anymore because he's so stupid that he still does it.

The team died a long time ago and all he cares about is being Number One.

(He still thinks about it, but here, he's better than Luther)

(No one is better than anyone)

The apartment was literally empty.

It was painted gray, white and maybe beige. It didn't have much decoration, in fact, the apartment wasn't really decorated.

There was an armchair, a sofa, a small kitchen, just like a bathroom and a bedroom, it had no personal touch from Vanya.

In addition to the violin, of course.

He was not surprised.

Luther says they should start with the kitchen, because of the food.

Klaus, Allison and Diego go to her room, leaving him alone.

It's too small for all three, but Klaus and Allison don't care.

He's feeling suffocated, even if one of his powers it’s not suffocating.

There's not much. There is a bed, a closet with clothes and books.

None of them looks like the one who should not be named.

Allison, she was already crying, and Klaus starts to remove his clothes, and Diego watches the books.

Are they different types, novels, classics, music and... math?

Vanya never liked math, but...

Five liked it.

It's like a punch to the stomach.

Then he remembers that classics and novels were also Ben and Vanya's favorites. He doesn't know what to do with that information.

He removes everyone from the closet in groups and separates them on the bed, in a corner that is left between the clothes taken from the drawers.

It doesn't take twenty minutes for so few things she had.

Everything goes in a battered box, next to the books.

There was no sign of the book she wrote.

He doesn't know if it's a relief, but he sighs nonetheless.

Klaus took all the refills of pills out of the dresser.

By the time they leave the room, Luther has already unloaded all the food and pulled a refill of pills out of the butter container.

The four are standing in the middle of the parlor, with the few things left of Vanya: the box, the bathroom things, the violin and a red typewriter with a post it written 'sell'.

Luther didn't take anything, obviously, in fact, it looks like he didn't even know what had happened before she died.

(Even Diego didn't know, Eudora had told him)

Allison reluctantly took the books and some clothes, as memories of a sister she didn't know (she didn't want to erase that one place that was only Vanya's, as it always has been since childhood).

Klaus took some clothes to wear, but even he seemed reluctant to do so.

They were going to sell the typewriter, carrying out their sister's order.

The pills would be thrown away, even though Klaus wanted to get one (he didn't say anything).

The violin was the only one left.

Luther didn't want to (and he said it explicitly, even with Allison's glances), Klaus had nowhere to put it, Allison was afraid of her daughter breaking.

So there was only him left.

He didn't want to (but he took it anyway, without saying anything)

{...}

He sank into a deep sleep.

There was nothing to do and there was no call on the police radio.

What he had left was to sleep.

And he opened his eyes, but he was sure he was sleeping.

He was in the middle of the ocean, wetting the bars of his pants and his feet, because that was a dream and he was barefoot.

There was wind, but the sea was calm.

There was nothing from north to south, from east to west. It was just him.

Then he bent down and dipped his head in the cold water.

It was translucent, he could see the bottom. It was like a normal sea.

(Everything he and his siblings learned about the ocean was from books in the Academy library or from mother and Pogo’s biology classes, he never went overboard to confirm, but maybe Allison did)

He sank further into the dream.

He was falling, but not really falling.

Diving into the colorful abyss.

There were white fish, but of other colors too, except that most were purely white fish, with only eyes as black as dark.

He had no trouble breathing, he was still breathing even under water.

A kraken at sea, how ironic is it?

Diego doesn't know how long he was slowly falling until his back gently reached the wet sand.

He got up and found a blue whale.

In fact, it looked like she had found him. She was much bigger than all the others seen in photos and stared at him.

" _You could live with us_ " the whale said.

" _What?_ "

" _You. You can breathe here_ "

" _That's my power, actually_ "

" _No, no. I meant you are still breathing_ "

The whale started to glow white.

" _There is someone who wants to see you_ "

" _Who?_ "

" _Didn't tell me the name_ "

He followed the whale even without information.

Diego woke up even before the dream was over.

{...}

He had just stopped a house theft.

His shoulder looked out of place, he had a black eye covered by the domino mask, his hair was messy and his knuckles were red.

At least his nose had stopped bleeding.

He was sitting in the hospital waiting room chair.

They called saying that Klaus was found passed out in an alley.

They didn't say if it was for drugs.

“ _He's awake_ ” his part in white says “ _go help him._ ”

“ _He never accepts help_ ” he replies and the white voice just frowns, in disappointment.

He sighs and gets up, Klaus didn't look very well, lying on that stretcher and looking into an empty space.

In fact, it went something like this:

" _Klaus?_ "

"..."

" _Klaus, can you hear me?_ "

" _..._ "

" _Klaus?_ "

" _…_ "

Klaus did not answer any of his calls.

And that hurt.

But he went home anyway, even with the echoes of his mind asking to go back.

When asking for the hospital, Klaus was no longer there the next day.

He did not sleep that night, still working.

And the other nights that follow.

{...}

On a rainy afternoon, Diego was in the boiler room, with the keys to Vanya's apartment in one hand and holding the neck of the violin.

Allison had left the keys with him to deliver the day before the deadline, since she would not be here.

Because if he didn't, who else would?

But he forgot, so he needs to do it anyway.

Again, when he blinked, he was already in front of the apartment door, not knowing when he got there.

This was becoming commonplace.

He didn't say that to anyone.

The door was half-open and the knife was automatically out of the holster.

He held his breath and opened it, facing Klaus, lying and huddled on a sofa, with a box full of old papers. The faint blue glow of the cloudy sky still made everything darker. The apartment was blank, with paint cans everywhere.

" _Klaus?_ " he asks " _What are you doing here?_ "

Diego thought he would be ignored but Klaus turned to him and shrugged.

" _Nowhere to stay. The shelters were full_ "

" _How did you get in here?_ "

" _The door... was unlocked_ "

" _What are you reading?_ "

" _Letters I found, and some weird sketches from some pages of her book_ "

He stepped back at the mention of the book.

" _They are not so bad, I mean, she wrote well_ "

He grunted, but Klaus didn't notice or didn't care.

" _And ... I found some letters of apology_ "

Wait ... what?

" _Uh ... what do you mean?_ "

" _There are letters... for us, apologizing_ " he shuffled between the papers and held out one of the papers.

Diego was... feeling nothing for a few seconds.

Until a rage hit him so deeply.

So deep

So deep that he said, coldly:

“ _She shouldn't have even written that book in the first place! She could have left us alone! We would have saved so much of our life! God... even dead she wants attention!_ ”

The person in white shook their head. Klaus looked like an injured puppy.

He was already marching through the door.

{...}

It has happened many times lately.

He's cleaning the gym floor, blinks, and wakes up with Al screaming in his ear.

He was dreaming about the whale.

He enters through the window to prevent a thief, winks, and wakes up in the middle of the room, with the bandit already arrested and Eudora scolding him for being there.

He was dreaming about a desert and a boy.

He's in the boiler room, practicing with his knives, blinks, and wakes up lying with a blanket over him.

He was dreaming about the Moon.

It was scaring him more than he wanted to admit.

It was making him nervous, afraid, tired and anxious.

It made him feel like he did when he was a child.

Then he pushes everything into the darkest part of the mind, even alone, because the Father enters their rooms.

And he must not show weakness.

But he had already shown it, in his stuttering.

And people already knew his weaknesses.

Father, Mother, Luther, Allison, Klaus and Eudora.

Because they read that stupid book.

He wants to strangle the little girl with the bangs and brown hair in front of him, because he is blacking out again and because he didn't know who the hell she was.

(He knows who she is)

He wants to tell Eudora, or Klaus, anyone.

But he cannot, because otherwise he will show weakness and will stutter.

And he is not weak.

{...}

There's a letter in his bed... and he doesn't want to open it.

He knows who put it there.

He's still angry with her.

" _Why would she leave an apology letter?_ " he wonders

" _Because she is sorry_ " the voice in white responds.

" _It doesn't change what she did_ "

" _I never said it would_ "

So the letter is still there, in a drawer, hidden from his eyes, but still pressing him to open it.

He doesn't know why.

He opens the letter, but he doesn't know why.

Maybe because he wanted to get this over with.

Perhaps because curiosity overcame anger.

He pulled out one of his knives and opened it.

{...}

He opened his eyes even though he was sleeping.

It was dark, but the floor was wet and there was a white glow ahead.

Vanya was there, or at least it looked like her.

Sitting cross-legged, in a white suit and with her hair down.

It is nothing like the way she was the last time he saw her.

(He doesn't remember much of the last time he saw her, just a few flashes. Of him pinning her against the wall, angry, yelling at her. Her, with fear in her eyes, still leaning against the wall, but free, and shaking and with watery eyes to reach a pill)

She said nothing, just looking at him, resentful.

And he screamed, screamed as loud as he could, as much as his lungs could and until she cried.

Screaming everything he felt when he read the book, screaming everything he didn't say when he reacted to her death, screaming everything in response to that letter, because she was sorry for writing that book.

He was finally not feeling numb.

He was mad.

Bitter.

Rowing

Sad.

All at once, forming a lump in his throat when his voice became hoarse from screaming.

He was panting, hands in fists and she was crying, but without sobs, just silent tears down her cheeks.

And for the first time in his life, he allowed himself to cry.

(Another lie, he cried when they all got that damn tattoo, and when Ben died, only his mother was there)

He was tired of being angry, tired of feeling everything at once and at the same time, of not feeling anything since the funeral, feeling a tiredness deep into his bones. He was afraid of those blackouts that he had in the middle of the day, afraid of not being able to move on, afraid of all this ball of threads that was inside him.

Fuck...

When did his life become so complicated?

Maybe it's a Hargreeves' thing, making a mess of simple things to the point where you don't even know when everything was destroyed because of you.

Perhaps, he could rest today, just today. On his 'younger' sister's shoulders, or on her spirit's shoulders.

He prefers not to think about it too much.

{...}

He's still the same.

He's still a vigilant. Eudora still asks him to leave because this is police work and he is not one of them.

He doesn't keep in touch with the family, Luther (for some reason) went to the fucking moon. Dad, Pogo and Mom are at the Academy.

Klaus is the only exception.

Allison may be too.

She is still in LA, but tries to contact, because she doesn't want to repeat what happened.

Because she wants to do this for herself.

For Claire, who wants to see her uncles.

And for Vanya.

Klaus is trying (in general).

It is difficult to overcome an addiction that started since adolescence, but he is trying.

He still has relapses, but he is learning to stand on his own.

Diego still lives in the boiler room and still cleans the gym floor.

He's still angry.

But at the same time, he’s different.

He is trying too.

He's trying not to pretend he's okay.

But, who would say that this is difficult too, right?

Because, apparently, this is also a bad habit.

He's trying not to get everyone out of his life.

But, after living for years only with the brothers who invaded his space and with reporters after their personal life, it is difficult not to want to live alone.

Oh... and he's trying to play the violin.

He knows he's an idiot.

He never learned like Vanya.

He wasn't talented like Vanya.

But nobody is using it.

He remembers the pieces he heard while they were training and she was in her room.

The way the violin camouflaged perfectly in her brown hair.

He doesn't tell anyone, but he knows Eudora is suspecting.

If one day, she asks directly, he doesn't know how he will answer.

So, if one day he’s not busy, he just tries.

Because in life, you only know if you try.

{...}

The bastard is dead.

After 4 years.

He died.

Huh... he was always considered immortal in their head.

So when he gets the news, it's like he heard it wrong.

It's confusing.

Weird.

But without sadness.

Dad was an asshole.

" _I agree_ " the girl in white says. 

" _You never agree with me_ " He is carrying a bouquet.

" _There is always a first time_ "

" _Shut up_ "

She smiled.


End file.
